23/01/2017

automatic enervation

i can't believe how emotional i am. sure, i've been rather a crybaby even from childhood, but it's ludicrous to imagine how deeply sensitive and constantly afflicted my heart is in instances of even the gentlest outside stimuli.

there! there goes my heart again, the chief villain of all my struggles. i swear my heart is the most cruel organ within my body to ever get me into the most wretched mischief. in all my life, and in all of my greatest trials, my heart has always been somewhere there in the thick of the action, wreaking havoc in every possible manner.

i cannot believe how inordinately emotional i am. it still strikes me with distraction how witlessly emotional i am every single day. of course, not all emotions are bad. obviously. but how emotional can i be until i cannot be emotional anymore? what is my limit? what is my maximum capacity for being overwhelmed?

for a while last year, i had a few brushes with the suggestions of love. Not divine, beautiful, sparkling love, but your ordinary, aching, arresting but retrospectively dull crush. let's not try to pretend these never happen, for alas! invariablement, they do. even my very last entry was based upon good ol' preposterous infatuation. yet people prefer singularly to talk about such subjects in private because to be honest, these things are downright embarrassing.

anyway, what i've noted is that in the event of such, my first reaction is to lose ownership of all sense and reason. if anyone was a poster child for lack of logic there i would be. it's even been a common observation amongst my acquaintances my terrible silliness in the face of emotional possession that i also attest to.

in that time, i fancied myself a tragic heroine. i fancied myself thrown into a whirl of terror and joy and excitement. i fancied myself in love. all because i fancied the idea of who somebody was. it was fun, it was thrilling, it made me sing everyday. also, it gave me something to do.

the irony of everything is how i complain about my feelings and then feel disappointed when i don't feel anything. i fear my emotional levels have reached the very highest heights of puerility. i enjoy my emotional highs, indulge myself until i am sick, fall into a lull of disillusionment, and then feel bored and crave a reason to feel again. the proverbial vicious cycle.

i wish i could control my emotional inclinations. everything is so unpredictable. what am i going to feel next? being so volatile is so dangerous. sometimes feelings just creep up on you. there is a person i rather disliked a few months back, and i didn't want to have anything to do with him. but then suddenly, out of nowhere, without any effort on my part, i became frightened, because i felt something growing within myself that found me not indisposed towards him.

feelings are terrifying! and how i overdose on them! how very honestly tiresome it is. i wish i were more logical and reasonable. sometimes i am so stupid because of my emotions that i am shocked at myself. i wonder if a girl who feels too much is bore. sure, inside she's having the time of her life, but don't the people around her feel exasperation at all her sighs and tears and lengthy blog posts that never end.......................

i envy people who are dominantly rational. it must be really great to not be plagued by rapid heartbeats and indescribable floatings in your chest and achings at the very sight of a name. i wish i could feel as the stoic do. oh my word the floatings! thE FLOATINGS! THEY HAUNT ME SO. i can't even begin to describe how when i end up ~feeling~ i start having such strange sensations within me so much so that i can barely breathe. either that or i probably have a feelings induced medical problem, but that's besides the point! my heart suddenly possesses a wispy, cloudy, translucent vapour that tickles me from the inside and then i ache and ache and ache.

what a tedious business this feeling is!

i find that at the end of these posts i always end up trying to tie things up nicely, like oh, but its ok, i will do better etc etc etc. i write these things sincerely, but sometimes (like now!) i don't want to write that. feelings plague me! they usually suck! SO?

So?


So...?


i wish i could act on my feelings, but most of the time convention says i shouldn't. the main torture for me is having to bottle them up and muffle their impact. i want to unleash them, to throw them to the sky like colourful confetti or torrential rain. i want to express, to shout, to sing, to dance, to hug and kiss and laugh and cry.

b u t   i   c a n ' t !

i have to be proper. i have to be controlled.
that's why i war with my feelings. they build up so rapidly within me and there is no place to let them go. then i have to stuff them into my mouth and wait for them to melt, all the while being almost suffocated to death.

take this cup away from me Lord! or is this my thorn to bear? i don't know why He made me with this ridiculous propensity. oh Lord. these copious feelings are such a ride.

oh, well.



such is life.


woe is me!







....and here i go again.

24/10/2016

expedient sensibilities

our minds will never meet.

at least, thats what i fear. but there's just something about you. something exciting and thrilling and colourful that makes my heart throb and spin and dance.

from the beginning i felt drawn to you. long before i had ever spoken to you or you had even come to the conscious realisation of my existence. there was always something about you. possibly it was how kind you seemed, or how sincere you appeared. it has always been my inclination to admire people like you; easygoing and friendly, unjudgemental and confident.

how ludicrous it would be for you if you knew!

my heart is the percentage of myself that always leads me into the very basest idiocy. i never wanted to feel this way. my admiration for you has over time gradually transformed into something i am now ashamed of. how could i be so undignified as to let circumstances influence my soul into feeling this way for you?

please dont misunderstand. i am not perplexed by the thought of anyone being enamoured of you. i can and have imagined how there would be a great number of girls aching inside because of you. such a lovely, precious person you are.

your generosity of spirit, your wonderful intelligence, your skill at making people glad...! how i envy you! and how i deeply and tenderly admire who you are.

but something is wrong.

our minds will never meet. at least, thats what i fear.

my heart easily goes toward you. if you demanded my devotion i would serve it with the greatest ceremony; placed into a box, secured with red ribbon, swathed in the fragrance of my admiration. how my heart overflows! i know myself too well to think i could be logical if i was met with anything like that.

but our minds cannot meet. ive never held conversations with you concerning anything of consequence, and intellectually we are not drawn one to another. i like your character, and your good heart, but there it ends.

i feel i always deceive myself into falling in love when my only basis of feeling is high regard and esteem. i think you are wonderful, so my heart is confused. yet there is little else to command my predilections toward you.

our minds dont meet.

what good does it do anyone when there is affection betwixt two persons, but there is a want for mutual idealogical regard? in this fashion, im an incorrigible idealist. i want hearts to meet, as well as minds. the support of both influences compatibility. but here i feel no compatibility.

in the random chance my heart is not disagreeable to you, i still feel there would be little to carry a lasting regard. and i like you so much that i never want that to happen.

i just want to leave here, then, the establishment of the fact that i esteem you highly, and that i do feel sorry that i should ever have fallen into this trap of hopeless empty affection for you. some days i wish i'd never met you, because of how my heart has reacted to that event. but yet in the chance that i hadnt, i would be forced to forfeit all the happiness ive spent knowing you, and for that i would be reluctant to let go.

nevertheless! in the end it's ok. i've learned so much so far. my heart has invariably taken a beating this time, but i will disallow it to ache or grow callous. i will nurse it back to health like a scheming troublesome child that i must protect, despite my frustrations with it. then finally when i make the decision to well and truly Love, i will remember that it is because my restless, overthinking, passionate mind has
finally
been
met.


21/10/2016

stains of circumstance

i just want to write, and write, and write, and write.

i have feelings within me, strong feelings, warring feelings, painful feelings--- all bubbling inside of me, threatening to injure me if i don't let them out. they're ripping at me from my very soul; scratching at the cage of my body to be released.


i'm scared of them. and yet i don't quite know just what they are.

they are like shadowy monsters; shifting and looming, shapeless and screaming. they threaten me, and cut me, and antagonise who i am. they are familiar. i know these feelings.

what are their forms? what are their names?

they have no names. they just have impact. and i recognise them.


i hate the way i feel. i hate these feelings that come back every day to haunt me. small things set off large ones.

these feelings overpower me, and make me weak in my body; in my stomach, in my head, in my heart.

my heart is the culprit. he is the one that is betraying the rest of me. he has opened the door and let those shadowy figures in. they always wait outside for the smallest sliver of a chance to dash in and ruin me.

my father has always said to me, "alyssa, control your emotions." so i stand up and box them all in. i wrap cellophane tape around them. i tie them up tightly into a bundle. hoping and hoping.


i have tried. effort upon effort. stuffing my feelings into the closet of my consciousness, i whisper don't come out. don't come out. don't come out.

they pound against the door and shriek at me.

my whole life is a battle against my own flesh.

my own heart.

i'm frightened of the way it makes me respond to what is happening outside of me. the clash and the conflict that occurs when i feel a certain way and the things around me don't match with what i want and everything becomes a jumbled, ugly, blotchy mess.


"stop being so dramatic, alyssa"

"but i can't control the way i feel."

"don't let your feelings control you then!"


i take a deep breath. i hit my fist against my chest to quieten the noise.

"stop feeling," i hiss to myself. "go away."


it feels like being ignored. always it's hard to keep the closet locked. i feel the doors will break.

everyday i cannot pinpoint what these feelings are. they are always rioting within me but i cannot identify their origin. anger? sadness? despair? misery? loneliness? pride?

they will always be inexplicable.







" s u r r e n d e r   i t   t o   G o d . "

i want to cry. i don't want to open the doors. i don't want to unfasten the box, to tear off the cellophane, and the string, and let them roam free. what if they seep into my brain, and infect my logic? what if they take hostage of my muscles, and command me, like a wooden puppet?

my fears mingle with the disorder. my body loses strength as i push to resist.





" s u r r e n d e r . "

i open the doors, slowly, gingerly. quickly i cover my eyes to protect them from attack.

yet there is no rapid fluttering of bats wings or swarms of flies rushing towards dead flesh. the feelings ooze out, like mud. they disgust me and the smell is unbearable. notwithstanding i bend down and i scoop them up, reeking but powerless, and throw them to God.

"here! take these horrible creatures and make me free from them."

God reaches to embrace me, and my heart stops sneering at me, subdued.

i sob as relief floods the chambers. i toss the mud away, out the window, into the bin, away away away. as the sun peeks in the room is illuminated and the old feelings are nothing to me.

i don't keep them anymore. God takes control of them, and they cannot control me.


perhaps i am free.





some days the feelings come back. they multiply like maggots and try to wriggle in under the door. sometimes they hide inside, growing steadily, and i have the inclination to trap them in my closet again.

but always that voice comes to me, clearly and sweetly.
"surrender."
"surrender."
" s u r r e n d e r . "

then i open the closet again.

and i am free.

retro feelings

hahahaha i was lately presented the privilege of a blog tag by the marvellous carissa morais; something that was All The Rage way back when millennials' main source for social media was in blogging, and in the times when inspiration hit a low, the activity of answering questions from a tag was a welcome way to finally get a new blog post up (ahem ahem what i'm doing now ahem)

ok!!! enough with my introductory paragraphs! (cambridge exams really did me in; i can never write something without first suffering myself to add an intro x.x)

tagged by carissa morais ♡

A. Attached or single? let me meet a decent boy first thx

B. Best friend? my little sister lauren; but i doubt she's aware that i've targeted her lmao

C. Cake or pie? pie if it begins with the word 'shepherd's'

D. Day of choice? probably friday? 

E. Essential item? tissue paper hahaha

F. Favourite colour? yellow! 

G. Gummy bears or worms? worms i find are so much more satisfying to bite because of their lovely long bodies plus worms can be dual flavoured mmmmmmm

H. Hometown? petaling jaya forever my love

I. Favorite indulgence? maggi mee asam laksa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J. January or July? january; because a new year always holds so much promise!

K. Kids? as many as i can physically & financially support hahahahahahahaha

L. Life isn't complete without? people to love ♡

M. Marriage date? sometime in the beginning of the year would be So Lovely ♥.♥

N. Number of magazine subscriptions? zero....... 

O. Oranges or apples? apples ✿

P. Phobias? dead animals and unfamiliar social situations :-( also slightly agoraphobic

Q. Quotes? “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - oscar wilde 

R. Reasons to smile? the knowledge that everybody was a baby once hahaha

S. Season of choice? rainy season!

T. Tag 10 people. :-( i have no one to tag let alone ten :-(

U. Unknown fact about me? sometimes i find bruises on my body that i don't remember acquiring

V. Vegetable? pea sprouts are my darlings

W. Worst habit? immediately panicking when faced with unfavourable situations and/or using the term 'lmao'

X. X-ray or ultrasound? ..........ultrasounds are more agreeable to me than x-rays............. (i don't understand this question lmao)

Y. Your favourite foods? BUTTERED BREAD, PASTA, SMOKED/RAW SALMON

Z. Zodiac sign? taurus?? but idk the significance of zodiac signs


He/she will have to come up with 7 interesting or random facts about themselves 
and then tag 7 other people to do the tag challenge. 
  1. i have a chip on my front tooth from walking into a door in a mcdonalds T.T
  2. i can watch the '05 pride & prejudice movie repeatedly without getting bored 
  3. if you leave me at home all by myself i will probably not eat anything the entire day
  4. i am anglophile Trash
  5. the founder of uniqlo is japan's richest man and it's probably bc of me
  6. i have a prejudice against Apple Users but i lov my iphone
  7. i hate drinking pu er
tagging...? i have very few blogger friends :-( uhhhhhhhh

ok you're tagged if i've ever used 'lmao' with you no arguing i love you bye

03/05/2016

like a bird to a crumb

i wish i could tell you that i liked you. i don't want you to know i like you, but i want you to know that somebody loves you. there's somebody out there throbbing in her heart because of you. i wonder how that would make you feel.

aren't you great? you're clever and handsome and popular and everyone likes you. will it flatter you to know that someone loves you? or will the information be like another postcard in your crowded letterbox? just a reinforcement of your ego? or will it scare you? will it be obvious it is me?

there is so much i'm curious about. i'm curious about who was the last person you loved, or the person you love now. is she as heartbreakingly wonderful as you? is she horribly intelligent? is she exquisitely pretty? does she love you back?


this is ridiculous. i don't love you. i'm enamoured, infatuated, excited, blinded and fascinated. i'm not willing to die for you. i'm not going to give you my life or my heart. i only have admiration and fondness for you. you are like a castle built in my heart, a dream in my consciousness. you're just a boy that everyone loves, and i have fallen into your net. only you never cast a net for me.

someday i might regret how much sentiment i allotted you. maybe one day i'll wish i'd kept this affection for someone more meaningful and important to me.

you're not unimportant, but there's no hope of ever making you love me anyway. and if in the millionth of a chance you did, my love for you is not heavy enough to anchor something to last.

i'm just a silly little girl with a silly little crush. my heart is a faintly beating, weak, small object swayed by the idea of you. insignificant... meagre... senseless... trivial... all this is nothing. like an itch, a cut, a bite, it matters now, it brings feeling now, it occupies the present...... but in the big picture,

it is emptiness.

mbti crap

i just need to share this somewhere-- my guesses for lovelyz mbti. only relevant to people who care lmao.

28/02/2016

in clouds

hello, i have returned. albeit for only a short while, or perhaps for a new string of long-winded grievances. it depends on my future sentiments..........

anyway, lately i have been bothered immensely by something...... it's been going on ever since the new year started, and i've been wanting to try and sort it out in writing these last few weeks. i never actually got around to doing it though, owing to the fact that i either wasn't at the right place (i.e in the shower, in class, half asleep etc.), or just wasn't particularly feeling it. yet today i have finally slipped into the closest possible opportunity, and now here i am, trying to muddle through my horribly wearying but burdensomely necessary Introduction.  but at long last it is now lengthy enough to be satisfactory and i'm desiring to thank you for bearing with me, since i haven't actually written anything worth reading yet, lmao

OK!! the thing i laboriously have been contending with lately is my feeling of bluffing my way through life. i don't know whether this is a result of my less than adequate self image or whatever but this has been Eating Away At Me in recent days, and it's really frightening.

a lot of my life, many people have taken pains to tell me that they believed i was artistic or creative or rather clever at certain things, and of course, since i've always welcomed compliments (them being a sort of weakness with me), i thanked those people and seemingly went on living. yet those words, after being said to me, impudently lodged themselves deeply into my soul, and built up a sort of mental image of myself that i feel i now have to live up to and maintain.

please don't misunderstand, i really do feel touched when people say kind things about my abilities, but sometimes i think people do flatter me.

after making a few pretty pictures and cards once in a while within my tiny life span, some people around me seem to now have this perception of me: that i am some sort of artiste with skills and imagination. once when someone kindly assured me that she believed i was creative, unanticipatedly it felt like warning bells had suddenly broke into the tranquillity of my thoughts. in the throes of my dismay my first thoughts were, "oh no please don't believe that! i really am not!"

now i find that these sorts of notions really terrify me. it makes me so afraid to think that for all my life i have been accidentally bluffing people into believing that i'm actually greatly accomplished, when i'm so very far from it!

now another contributor to my anxiety comes from people who think i'm very good at language. while i do admit i'm better at language than anything else i'm able to do, i'm still afraid that i really am Not what others think i am. does that make sense? i am good at english, and i adore words and the intricate meanings and uses they potentially hold, but there are times when people speak to me about linguistics and then my heart abruptly feels all stopped up, with the fear that i might scandalously bungle.

like for instance when people compliment my writing or my knowledge-- instead of being pleased and complimented now i'm immediately transported into a panic. what if that person who just said a kind word to me lives to regret it? what if my inadequacy is suddenly revealed, and everything positive people believed about me is to shown to be false?

you might think that this is obviously my pride speaking here, and i realise that i am giving way to some of the conducts of my ego. yet can no one honestly acknowledge a life lived without some fear of certain people's opinions, if not everyone's? and don't you think if i continue to live like this that i am being deliberately deceitful?

i am desperately afraid that i am not what people think i am; desperately afraid i have led everyone in a merry dance to considering that i'm up to standard though i'm not; desperately afraid that i have given others reason to believe that i am good when i am ghastly.

i am scared i am not as solid as i believed i was, and fearful that i have unwittingly defrauded all my acquaintances in the process. what can i do now, but to tell everyone not to expect too much of me?

this seems to be the very apple of discord between me and those around me. i'm afraid the people i know expect me to be a certain way when i know i am just barely living up to my own standards.

in university i always make sure to try to answer my lecturers' questions. in church i always try to be as good a specimen of a person as possible, so that my parents and sisters won't be ashamed of me. wherever i go i do my best to keep myself as aloof and collected so that no one will be able to see the worms of my fears and discontentments with myself, wriggling hideously in the pit of my stomach.

i fiercely want to be the Correct and Proper Person of My Dreams and Aspirations, but i'm afraid that in the process of my parade, something is going to sneak from behind me and snatch off the mask that i have been hiding behind.

is it right for me to feel this way? is it proper to strive to be better, even when you feel like you are a walking abyss on the inside? is it proper to allow people to believe you are respectable and skilled, even when you yourself are staunchly doubtful of yourself?

is it Right to let people carry on thinking that you are capable, when your own estimation says you really aren't? what is the line between being self-deprecating, and being truly unconvinced of your own ability?

i am as riddled with questions as i am with fears, and unfortunately, right now i don't think i have the answers. i want to be free of my quandary as soon as i can, but i cannot pretend now that i hold the solutions to my own troubles.

oh Jesus, please show me what i am to do.

09/11/2015

le péan

some weeks ago i found this poem i wrote in 2013 based on 1 john 5:14. i thought it was rather lovely, and i decided to share it here (good job, 18 year old alyssa).


1 john 5:14 (nivuk)
this is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

God hears:
in quiet-- in confusion
in darkness and light
in anger or sorrow
in the day or at night

in bliss and in boredom
if i sit or stand
resting or working;
at sea or on land

in shame or in glory
with companion or alone
afraid or courageous
in health or sick moan

always, always with me--
understanding and wise;
though i fall or stumble
in all lows and highs

God hears.

29/09/2015

my ringlet of chagrin

believing in God as i have always done my whole life, up until now i've always trusted that if anything befell me or was a certain way with me it was because God had a special reason or purpose for it. now don't worry, this isn't some kind of crisis of faith post but today while i was doing the laundry i hit on something that totally perplexed me.

now if you've ever had the misfortune of having to meet me and to know what i'm really like you'd understand that i am terribly, passionately and irrevocably in love with language. i've recently had some conversations about how language is so important to me and how language isn't any old commodity but the most wonderful art and decoration upon your life and how people who don't appreciate language Just Don't Get It and are quite frankly not people i care to give my whole heart to anymore.

the thing that confounded me so deeply was the fact that i am me, this language drunk person, filled with words and an intense affection for things that are beautiful and exquisite and fascinating-- and yet i am here, in malaysia, where 90% of the population is hung up on everything else.

i don't mean this as an insult to the country-- it's a decent country, with fairly decent people, and enough pretty things to pass any low, basic standards of... art.

why am i here! why am i malaysian! why am i doomed to live here forever!

it's not a personal thing! don't take offence at me. it's not that i hate this place and desperately want to escape (no i probably do). i just don't fit in.

and no! this is not a post about how i feel so insecure and out of place but just why am i like this!?

why in the world did God choose to make me so enamoured of language and then drop me off in this land where beauty is just an afterthought or not even a thought at all! you know, i'm not complaining about the country here. i'm lamenting over how i'm even Like  This  !


it doesn't make sense at all! why did God make me so fervent and so bent towards my passions concerning language and beauty and yet put me here in a place so cold towards finesse and the very whiffs of sophistication?

i am Not saying that i am full of charm and elegance and grace, but what's the deal, Lord????

should i abandon myself? should i conform to the dullness and crudeness of malaysian society? should i throw away my love for beauty and deeply thought out language to embrace the place where i stand?

I AM NOT BEING UNGRATEFUL. i am not spitting on the ground where i was born. i am not deriding the hands that hold me. i'm just so confused and at a loss as to why i would be here when i'm so totally out of place.

i want to love it here. i want to belong, and to be proud of where i'm from. i want to say i'm glad to be malaysian, and actually mean it. i like living where i live. i love my family, and i know so many lovely people. just that why does it feel like my interests are not important here, and why is my concern for beauty such a ridiculous thing?

i'm a malaysian, and yet i'm a ludicrous one. i feel so caught between.

i fear i would be too much of a rube in another country, and yet here i feel like i'm not allowed to be myself. i'm in a constant conflict.

oh it's such a silly. i feel like i'm beating a dead horse. there has to be a purpose for why i'm so, and why i'm here, but where is it? where is my purpose? where is my answer for the way things are? so far i suppose i can accept that i'm a middle child, shy, a little insecure and rather ugly, but this really puts a damper on how i see myself.



what is the point?

i still don't know.

23/09/2015

not even money

today, for some particular reason, i decided to watch the heiress. i'd already watched washington square some weeks ago and it both intrigued, fascinated and disgusted me. aND Regrettably, i related to catherine sloper.

the rude realisation that apart from the $30,000 inheritance, catherine sloper and i are basically the same person! plain, shy and not particularly clever-- she just screams alyssa koh, but rich.

ben chaplin as morris townsend was pretty blegh in washington square, but montgomery clift in the heiress...!

comparison of leading men for the benefit of my eyes

the most impactful bit about these movies was the way morris townsend courted catherine. oh how my heart broke for her! seeing him so charming and attractive yet with the knowledge that he's a conniving ass you really feel so torn. adding to the pain of catherine being insecure and unsure of herself, i could feel myself being stretched with the desire to see starved-for-love catherine finally drown in affection and the truth.

i must admit it was a bad idea to watch the heiress today. i couldn't even finish the entire film because halfway through i felt too emotional and had to close my laptop and sleep it off. ha ha.

indeed, my day started quite poorly and i felt pretty ridiculous all through class and then when i started watching the heiress it all came home to me and i was in such a state!

olivia de havilland is so lovely, and to see her in a 'plain' character dismayed me because the girl had to be dressed and styled to look unattractive but i don't even need to try and i'm by default, repugnant.


the conclusion of this post is that i shouldn't be watching dramatic movies when i'm feeling emotionally volatile.